What to do if your child is being sextorted

Sextortion is a form of online coercion where an aggressor builds a connection, gains trust, and then uses pressure and threats to control a child. From a psychological perspective, this is not a “bad decision” or a “mistake,” but an abusive experience marked by a sudden loss of control and intense emotional pressure.

For parents, the first instinct is often shock, fear, or even anger. What matters most, however, is not the first emotion you feel, but how you respond next.

That’s why we spoke with Anca Ivu, clinical psychologist and cognitive behavioral psychotherapist, to understand what a child might be going through—and how parents can support them in a way that truly helps.

Key takeaways:

Sextortion is a form of manipulation and abuse, often involving grooming.
Your reaction matters more than the situation itself. Stay calm and supportive.
Shame and fear often stop children from speaking up.
Focus on connection: “I’m here,” “You’re not alone,” “We’ll figure this out together.”
Do not engage with the attacker. Save evidence, report the account, and seek help if needed.
Long-term recovery depends on trust, safety, and open communication

What is sextortion? Understanding how it works (and what it’s not)

Sextortion is a form of child sexual exploitation in which a child is threatened or blackmailed—most often with the possibility of having nude or sexual images shared publicly—by someone who demands additional sexual content, sexual activity, or money.

This can happen when a child shares an image with someone they believe they know or trust. In many cases, they are targeted by someone they met online, who obtains sexual images through deception, coercion, or manipulation. Sometimes, the person behind the account is not who they claim to be. They may be using fake profiles or even stolen images of someone else. In some situations, the aggressor also sends images to build trust or create a sense of reciprocity.

Reports from organizations like The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children show a sharp increase in sextortion cases, especially financial sextortion, where the offender demands money. In these cases, teenage boys have increasingly become targets.

One of the biggest misunderstandings is seeing sextortion as a situation the child “got themselves into.” In reality, most of these situations begin with grooming.

Grooming is a process in which the aggressor gradually builds trust and emotional closeness. They offer attention, validation, and interest. They may say things like “you’re different” or “I can talk to you like I can’t with others.” Over time, they create a sense of connection and belonging.

Then, step by step, they normalize more intimate conversations, introduce requests gradually, apply subtle pressure and eventually move to threats.

“It works because it taps into very real emotional needs: the need to feel seen, chosen, important, and connected. During adolescence—when identity and social validation are especially sensitive—these responses can have a strong impact. We are talking about an interaction between the normal vulnerabilities of this age and an intentional strategy of manipulation. The child does not enter a risky situation because they want to be in danger, but because, at the beginning, something in that relationship responds to a real need.”, adds Anca Ivu.

What does sextortion feel like for a child?

From a psychological point of view, sextortion is experienced as a loss of control, a form of emotional capture, and a constant fear of exposure.

The child may feel that their entire social life, image, relationships, and emotional safety could collapse at any moment. There are usually two fears at the same time: the fear of “being found out” and the fear of what will happen if the images are shared.

“Research on online sexual abuse of adolescents shows that the impact often goes beyond the moment itself. It can affect self-esteem, trust in others, the ability to form relationships, and how the young person sees themselves. Studies have found higher levels of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem in adolescents who go through these experiences, along with difficulties in interpersonal relationships and trust.” says Anca Ivu.

This is why sextortion doesn’t just affect “what happened online.” It touches core areas of development: identity, safety, and connection.

Why don’t children tell anyone about sextortion?

Many parents assume that if something serious happens, their child will come to them. In cases like sextortion, this is often not what happens.

One of the strongest barriers is shame. Children may feel guilty, fear being judged or punished, worry they won’t be understood, or fear that the situation will become even worse if it is exposed.

In sextortion, this is intensified by the threat itself. The possibility that images could be shared publicly makes everything feel more dangerous.

In this context, silence can feel like protection—at least in the short term.

What are the signs your child might be a victim of sextortion?

A guide from the Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse (“Key messages from research on identifying and responding to disclosures of child sexual abuse”) highlights that disclosure should be understood as a process. Many children first try to “tell” indirectly, through signs, withdrawal, or changes in behavior.

Because of this, parents often won’t hear a direct confession, but they may notice a shift in their child’s state. A child might become more withdrawn or irritable, check their phone compulsively, startle at notifications, or seem overwhelmed, ashamed, or unusually defensive. Guidance on the disclosure of sexual abuse also shows that teenagers may display withdrawal, avoidance, anger, alarm behaviors, or other indirect signs when something serious is happening.

How should parents respond to sextortion? What to say (and what to avoid)

One of the most common reactions parents have in these situations is to ask, “How could you send something like that?” Even when it comes from fear, this kind of response can do harm. It reinforces shame, self-blame, and fear of judgment, and it can quickly shut down communication.

When we understand that the child is often caught in a dynamic of grooming and coercion, the question begins to shift. It is no longer about “why did you do this,” but about what happened to you.

What helps more is a calm, relational approach, based on observation rather than accusation. This might sound like: “I’ve noticed you seem very tense lately,” “You seem scared when you get messages,” or “If something happened online and it’s hard to talk about, I’m here.”

“A child opens up when they feel safe. The relationship, and the way the adult approaches the subject, strongly influence whether the child continues to share or shuts down. In many cases, the conversation becomes more important than control itself. There is also an important nuance here: the child needs to feel that telling the truth will not take away their last sense of safety, which is the relationship with the parent. Official guidelines on responding to disclosure emphasize that the adult should believe the child, respond with empathy and care, and make it clear that they are not in danger because they spoke up. A supportive first reaction can play an important role in recovery, while a negative reaction can stop further disclosure and the search for help.” explains therapist Anca Ivu.

What the child needs to hear is: “I’m sorry you’re going through this”, “You’re not in trouble,” “You’re not alone”, “I believe you,” and “We’ll figure this out together.”

These messages have a strong psychological impact. They begin to counteract the shame and self-blame that the aggressor relies on, and they help restore something essential: a sense of safety in the relationship.

Should you check your child’s phone in a sextortion situation?

This is a delicate moment.

“The child has just gone through an experience in which control over their body, image, and privacy has been violated. So if the parent suddenly steps in, takes the phone, and starts going through it without explanation, there is a risk of unintentionally repeating and amplifying that same feeling of losing control. Research on disclosure shows that many children fear losing control over their information and how others might use what they share. That is why a more helpful approach is a collaborative one: “It would help me understand what’s going on so I know how to protect you. Would you like us to look at it together?”

An impulsive reaction is not helpful, whether the parent is trying to see the images or reacting after seeing them. While it may be important to keep evidence for reporting, it helps to respond from a more grounded, thoughtful place rather than from emotional impulse.

The most important intervention is support—the way the parent responds. It is not just a matter of tone; it is part of the intervention itself.”, says the therapist.

What should you do if your child is being sextorted? (step-by-step)

Once the situation is acknowledged, there are a few important steps:

Do not engage with the attacker
Keep evidence: messages, usernames, screenshots
Report the situation to the platform involved
Consider contacting relevant authorities or helplines
Seek support if needed (a trusted adult, school counselor, or therapist)

Throughout all of this, the most important message remains the same: your child is not alone in handling this.

Therapist tip: How to manage your own emotional reaction as a parent

Try to create a small space between what you feel and how you act. It can be as simple as counting to ten, slowing your breath, or noticing your body for a few seconds. Even naming what you feel — “I’m scared,” “I’m overwhelmed” — can help reduce the intensity and bring you back to a calmer place. You can also ask yourself: “What really matters right now?” or “Is this about me, or my child?” The way you respond shapes whether your child feels safe to stay open or starts to shut down.

How to protect your child from sextortion in the future

Sextortion is neither a moral nor a parenting failure. It’s a situation where a young person’s normal emotional needs were met with intentional manipulation. In the aftermath, what matters most is the relationship between you and your child, and how they learn to trust others and themselves in the future.

This is also a moment to gently rethink what “safety” looks like in everyday life. Small things can make a difference: talking more openly about who they connect with online, setting simple boundaries together, or having a bit more visibility into what’s happening on their devices, especially during vulnerable periods.

Some parents find it helpful to use tools like a Bitdefender Family Plan as a layer of support in the background. Features like scam protection, internet time awareness, or content filtering aren’t about watching every move, but about reducing exposure to risks that are hard to spot in the moment.

Find more about it, here.

FAQs

What should I do first if my child is being sextorted?

Stay calm and reassure your child that they are not in trouble. Do not engage with the attacker. Save evidence, report the account to the platform, and consider contacting authorities or a helpline.

Should I pay the attacker to stop sextortion?

No. Paying rarely stops the situation and can lead to more demands. Focus instead on reporting the case and protecting your child.

Can sextortion images actually be shared?

Yes, in some cases images are shared, but many attackers rely on fear rather than action. Even so, it’s important to take every threat seriously and report it.

Why are teenagers, especially boys, targeted?

Recent reports show a rise in financial sextortion targeting teenage boys. Attackers exploit curiosity, trust, and emotional vulnerability to manipulate them quickly.

What to do if your child is being sextorted: A therapist’s guide for parents