How to calm tantrums without screens, according to a therapist

Tantrums, boredom, frustration, tears. Every parent knows that handing a child a phone or tablet can feel like the fastest way to calm them down. And it usually works.

 But what happens when this becomes the default response?

We spoke with clinical psychologist and cognitive behavioral psychotherapist Anca Ivu about why screens are so effective at stopping tantrums, what children may miss when they rely on them to regulate emotions, and what parents can do instead.

Key takeaways

• Relying on screens to stop every tantrum can make it harder for children to develop emotional regulation skills.
• Boredom, frustration, and disappointment are normal parts of childhood development.
• Parents don't have to stop every tear immediately. Children also need support while experiencing difficult emotions.
• Helping children learn to calm themselves takes time, consistency, and practice.
• There are many ways to help a child through a tantrum without relying on a screen.

Why using screens to stop tantrums can become a problem

Children aren't born knowing how to manage disappointment, boredom, frustration, or anger. Emotional regulation develops over time, and children learn it by experiencing difficult emotions with the support of a trusted adult.

As clinical psychologist Anca Ivu explains, screens can seem like an effective way to calm children because they quickly redirect their attention and reduce the intensity of overwhelming emotions.

"When a child is completely overwhelmed by emotion, temporarily redirecting their attention can help reduce their level of distress and give the nervous system a chance to calm down. Once the child is calmer, however, the emotion still needs to be acknowledged and understood. The problem isn't occasional distraction. It appears when distraction becomes the main way children deal with every uncomfortable feeling."

Research in developmental psychology and neuroscience supports this approach. Young children find it much harder to control their impulses or regulate emotions when they're highly distressed. They first need the support of a calm adult to help them feel safe before they can begin learning how to manage those emotions themselves.

If, however, a child receives a screen every time they feel bored, frustrated, disappointed, or upset, they may gradually begin to associate emotional discomfort with the need for immediate escape. Instead of learning to tolerate difficult feelings and discover other ways to cope, they learn that uncomfortable emotions should always be avoided or distracted away.

Over time, this can make it harder for children to tolerate waiting, boredom, frustration, or hearing "no." Screens aren't harmful on their own, and using one occasionally to help a child through an exceptionally overwhelming moment isn't the concern. The risk appears when screens become the default response to difficult emotions instead of one tool among many that parents use to support emotional regulation.

Related: Your Child Says “I’m Bored” After Screen Time? Here’s How to Respond

Sometimes the hardest part is managing your own emotions

One of the most important parenting skills is learning to stay with your emotions.

"The ability to stay with your child's emotions without trying to eliminate them immediately is a skill that develops over time. It doesn't come naturally to most parents. Often, the urge to say 'yes' or hand over a screen isn't just about the child's distress. It's also about the parent's own feelings of tension, guilt, discomfort, or the desire to make the situation stop. Creating even a brief pause before reacting gives parents the opportunity to choose a response instead of acting on impulse.", says Anca Ivu.

Learning to tolerate your child's difficult emotions doesn't mean ignoring them. It means recognizing that frustration, disappointment, and sadness are normal parts of childhood while staying calm, present, and supportive instead of rushing to make those feelings disappear.

This matters because children don't learn emotional regulation on their own. They first learn it through co-regulation, that is, by being soothed by a calm, emotionally available adult over and over again. Over time, those experiences become the foundation for self-regulation.

As child psychiatrist Daniel Siegel and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson put it, "Children borrow the calm of the adult before they can create their own." That idea is also reflected in the work of developmental psychologist Ruth Feldman, whose research shows that children develop emotional regulation through repeated, supportive interactions with their caregivers.

Related: How to set screen time rules with grandparents, babysitters, and nannies

How to calm a tantrum without using a screen

What helps at the beginning of a child's frustration may not work once they're in the middle of a full-blown tantrum. The more overwhelmed a child becomes, the less they're able to process explanations or solve problems. That's why the first goal is to help them feel safe enough for their nervous system to calm down.

As clinical psychologist Anca Ivu explains, children first learn emotional regulation through co-regulation. Before they can calm themselves, they need repeated experiences of being calmed by an adult who is calm enough to help them regulate their emotions.

Start by staying close and letting your child know you're there for them. Simple phrases such as "I'm here with you," "You're safe," or "I know this feels really hard right now" can be far more effective than trying to reason with them.

 Validate the emotion without changing the boundary. You might say, "I know you're upset because you wanted to keep watching cartoons," or "I understand you're angry that it's time to turn the TV off. I know that's hard." Validating feelings doesn't mean giving in, it means showing children that their emotions make sense, even if the rule doesn't change.

If your child is completely overwhelmed, focus first on reducing the intensity of the emotion before trying to explain anything. Depending on the situation, that might mean moving to a quieter place, offering a hug if they want one, or briefly redirecting their attention until they're calm enough to engage again.

Once your child has calmed down, that's the time to talk about what happened. Ask what happened, help your child name the emotion, and think together about what might help next time. Younger children often respond well to play, for example, imagining that anger is a visitor, drawing it, or inventing a superhero who helps it calm down. Turning emotions into stories can make them feel less frightening and easier to understand.

You can also practice simple calming techniques together, such as taking slow breaths, blowing bubbles, pretending to blow out birthday candles, or placing a favorite stuffed animal on your child's tummy and watching it gently rise and fall with each breath. When calming exercises feel like play, children are much more likely to use them.

The goal isn't to "win" the tantrum. It's to help your child feel safe enough to regain control of their emotions. Over time, that relationship becomes their strongest tool for learning emotional regulation.

Related articles: 

• Have screens replaced toys? How to find the right balance for your child
• Is your child addicted to screens? What parents should watch for, according to a therapist

What to do and what to avoid during a tantrum

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FAQs

Is it bad to use screens to stop tantrums?

Not necessarily. The concern isn't using a screen once in a while to help a child through an exceptionally overwhelming moment. The problem arises when screens become the default response to every difficult emotion. If children always rely on distraction to calm down, they have fewer opportunities to learn how to cope with frustration, disappointment, boredom, and other uncomfortable feelings with the support of a trusted adult.

What is the best way to calm a tantrum without a screen?

Stay calm, keep your child safe, and acknowledge their feelings without changing the boundary. Depending on how overwhelmed they are, it may help to move to a quieter place, offer a hug if they want one, or use simple calming activities such as slow breathing. Once they're calm, talk about what happened and help them understand their emotions.

Why do children have tantrums?

Tantrums happen because young children are still learning how to manage strong emotions. They may be frustrated, tired, hungry, overstimulated, disappointed, or struggling to accept a limit. A tantrum is often a sign that their emotional system is overwhelmed, not that they're being deliberately difficult.

Is it okay to let a child cry during a tantrum?

Yes. Crying isn't harmful by itself, and not every tear needs to be stopped immediately. What matters most is that your child has a calm, supportive adult who stays with them and helps them feel safe while they experience the emotion.

Should I ignore my child during a tantrum?

No. Children need a calm, emotionally available adult during a tantrum. You don't have to stop the crying immediately, but staying nearby and offering reassurance helps children feel safe while they work through overwhelming emotions.

Should I hug my child during a tantrum?

It depends on your child. Some children find physical contact comforting, while others need more space. Offer a hug or gentle touch if they want it, but avoid forcing physical contact if they resist.

What should parents avoid doing during a tantrum?

Avoid long lectures, repeated questions, yelling, threats, sarcasm, or changing the rules just to stop the crying. These reactions can make it harder for children to learn healthy emotional regulation.

At what age do children stop having tantrums?

Most tantrums are common between ages 1 and 4, when children are still developing language and emotional regulation. As they grow and gain better communication and coping skills, tantrums usually become less frequent, although older children can still have emotional outbursts when they're overwhelmed.

Can using screens during tantrums affect a child's emotional development?

If it happens occasionally, it's unlikely to cause harm. However, relying on screens to manage every difficult emotion can make it harder for children to practice coping with frustration, disappointment, boredom, and other uncomfortable feelings on their own.

How can parents stay calm during a child's tantrum?

Start by regulating your own emotions. Take a slow breath, pause before reacting, speak calmly, and remember that your child is struggling, not trying to give you a hard time. Children learn emotional regulation through repeated experiences of being soothed by a calm adult.